Here is a list of revelations that have shocked me at the very same low level as finding out, in the end, that the 37-year-old man on the “I’m ready to grow up and be in a long-term relationship now” show ditched the grown women who were actually ready for long-term relationships and instead went for the 24-year-old who couldn’t even be bothered to stay on a show she had committed to:
▪ My 60-something-year-old neighbor falls asleep in her recliner while watching “Dancing with the Stars.” Big shocker. Also, close the blinds, Ruth.
▪ My cat has been humped by my dog, lipstick-out ... I don’t know what to say about this. I’ve been in denial for a while.
▪ Jax Taylor turned EVERYTHING around on Brittany on the most recent episode of “Vanderpump Rules.” Sadly predictable.
▪ The presence of dog poo in my kitchen trash was not enough to keep me from thinking, “Technically those cupcakes I threw out to keep myself from eating any more of them aren’t TOUCHING the poo so …DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF, WOMAN?” Yes, I do. But I’m not really all that surprised at myself.
▪ The couple accused of chaining up their 13 children look like this.
I mean, come on.
That bowl cut is screaming “I’m probably the kind of guy who sends toenail clippings to female politicians; who probably tells my wife that ‘family naked fun time’ is something God wants us to do but only when she’s out running errands; who probably has authored more than 11,575 versions of the same manifesto, titled ‘I’m the Only Man on Earth Who Knows the World Is Ending on (series of dates crossed out and rewritten in pen then rewritten in pencil but with really bad eraser marks).’”
Meanwhile, her mugshot is like “I don’t know. I don’t ask a lot of questions. Do we get sandwiches here?”
In other words, duh freaking duh.
Oh! And “watch next season’s ‘Southern Charm’ to find out what happens between Shep and Bella”? … lol, really Bravo?
That’s so “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine!” of you.
How about watch this?: According to People magazine, Shep and Bella broke up.
Yes, I did.
And without a spoiler alert.
Again, things that should surprise us more than Shep and Bella breaking up:
▪ Drive-thru nothing
▪ Fast-casual nothing
▪ Artisanal, local farm-to-table NOTHING
By the way, their age difference wasn’t the problem here.
When I was 24, my boyfriend was 38 so there will be no judgment from me. Wait, OK. So yeah. We also “broke up,” but that was not because of age and only after we were married long enough for me to learn that when men make jokes about how they can’t grow up, they super mean it.
Bella herself also isn’t the issue. She seems like a quality human being, smart, gutsy etc.
And the show itself wasn’t the problem. I liked it. I thought it was really well-edited and fun to watch and an interesting little existential dive into the mind of a guy who means well.
He might have gone too hard and too fast with “RelationShep.”
Really, his first solo show should have been called “Baby Sheps,” and it should’ve been six episodes of him carrying around an egg with the word “Girlfriend” written on the side of it in crayon.
Episode 1: Oh my God! Shep didn’t break the egg! He’s really ready for a relationship, guys!
Episode 2: Shep forgets to tell the egg that he’s going out with his friends. The egg is like “Fine. No. I’m fine. Go have fun with your friends who I haven’t met yet.”
Episode 3: Shep introduces the egg to his friends, who either ignore her because she’s an egg or inundate her with comments and questions about being an egg. “Is it OK to say ‘over-easy’ or do eggs get offended by that? When I say it, I’m like, using it ironically and not even thinking anything, like, eggist, you know? But I totally don’t use an egg voice when I say it, because THAT’s eggoted, right? Are both your parents chickens or ...”
Episode 4: Shep apologizes to the egg. He’s not quite sure for what, but the egg seems less angry now.
Episode 5: Shep puts the egg on the kitchen counter, turns to get a beer out of the fridge, then hears “Help meeee!” The egg is rolling toward the edge of the counter and for a second Shep considers ignoring it and just letting whatever is about to happen happen. But then his heart swells, the impassive expression on his face becomes tender and he’s like “NOOOOOOOOO! EGGGGGGGGG!” He catches the egg at the very last second and they spend the rest of the episode in a falling-in-love montage, mostly of him trying to figure out how to rest his head on her.
Episode 6: Shep takes a very important “Baby Shep” and brings his true love, the egg, home for that very coveted Mom’s Meatloaf. On the drive over to one of their 400 houses, he tells the egg that he is a Boykin. The egg freaks out and is like “SHUT UP! WHAT?,” which pleases Shep greatly and has him hearing wedding bells until the egg goes, “My mom is going to flip! She’s obsessed with Boykin! (The egg starts singing Boys II Men’s hit song ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ and when she can’t remember anymore of the words she switches to a giddy rendition of ‘Motownphilly’).” Shep, realizing that the egg has mistaken his very important family heritage for the 1990s R&B group from Philadelphia, grits his teeth for the rest of the ride and, after making less than enthusiastic introductions with his parents, ignores the egg’s urgent whispered questions, “Hey, did I get something scrambled? You’re acting weird.” Later at dinner, Shep’s dad tells the story about how he and Shep’s mom met at a Burt Bacharach concert. Mr. Rose laughs at the memory, then takes a bite of meatloaf and exclaims, “My goodness, Fran. This is even more moist than usual! It’s positively melting in my mouth. Did you do something differently?” Mr. Rose looks around the table smiling, but gets no response from his wife, who is exchanging an odd and knowing look with Shep. “Wait,” Mr. Rose says, “Shepard, where’s your girlfriend?”
Here are some other things we need to discuss about this finale:
— Quote of the night (from Cameran who must have had Kylie’s name down as “vegetarian farter” in her “Shep’s Wife Auditions” notes and hence required further clarification as to the identity of the woman Shep had broken up with the night before): “Kylie is the baby, right?”
— Would you rather …… sleep on Thomas Ravenel’s unwashed sheets or listen to Shep talk about his family’s homes one more time? Tough one. I know. Either way, that’s a lot of history no one asked about …
— Shep’s mom’s quick “God yes” answer to Shep’s supposition that his family wants him to find a woman who can fit in at the yacht club and Palm Beach had me indulging a “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” fantasy in which I find out when the Roses’ next Palm Beach yacht club party is, then trick my way into an invitation for it, then make 1,000 copies of that invite and then pass them out at the four Walmarts closest to the club and at one particularly inefficient DMV while yelling “No dress code!” and urging every potential party-crasher to bring their appetites “and Tupperware.”
— Quote of the night No. 2 (from Shep, who, I don’t know if you know this, is related to the Boykin family, which is responsible for the state dog of South Carolina, the Boykin spaniel): “Boykin Boykin Boykin Boykin woof woof woof blueblood Boykin Boykin. My family’s homes.”
— Wait. He’s not done: “Our farm in Boykin …”
— Peyton thinks Priscila sucks out the fun. That was mean, but she might actually be right. Shep told the audience that he had no carnal knowledge of Peyton after their one night together yet was oddly silent about Priscila after hers … math.
— When Shep took Peyton into that cabin his father and uncles built, I legit thought “Oh my God. Snuff film! He’s going to kill her there.” I don’t even know why I thought that. Shep’s a nice guy. Or is he? … mwahahahahaha. Just kidding. Although, if he were a murderer, he should try to incorporate “Boykin” into his murder-moniker, right? Like “The Boykin Butcher” or “Oh Boykin, They’re Dead Because of Me” or “The Boykin Not Help Himself.”
— Moment Shep proved he’d be a really good husband: When he arranged to have dogs brought over for Peyton and then cleaned up the pee-pee from that ridiculously cute puppy. (Sorry, that ridiculously cute Boykin spaniel puppy of the Boykin Boykins from Boykin. Not a generic puppy from the poor people’s store.)
— Moment I closed my eyes and wished for every person in the world to always wear pants: When Shep rolled all over Peyton in his boxers.
— There was a moment at the restaurant when Peyton was sort of staring into the beyond. Was she thinking: a. “I feel like I need to Google ‘Boykin’ because I’m not getting it” b. “Um. There are paintings of Boykin spaniels everywhere in this restaurant” or c. “If Shep asks me to wear a Boykin spaniel costume tonight, I’m going to act surprised but really I’m not”?
— Peyton: “Men drive women crazy”
Shep: “.... I’m going to the restroom”
Me: SARAAAAAA HE NEEDS YOU TO DUMP PEYTON FOR HIM!
— Speaking of Sara. First of all, haha to anyone who thought they’d end up together. Second of all, life isn’t over maybe there’s still a chance!
— God. That moment when Shep told Priscila he was given a room at his family’s mountain home that didn’t have a mountain view? That was rough. I cried so hard. It’s so not fair for him. I’m getting upset just thinking about it now. A room with a regular view? Are his parents monsters?
— Shep’s overnighter with Priscila was like an episode of “Cedar Cove.” Let’s look at family photos, then tour this church, then make chili together even though chili is a really really bad idea for a date night between two people who don’t know each other like that.
— Sriracha in chili? I’m just not sure about that.
— What’s creepier than a snuff film cabin? Shep telling Priscila that she is appealing to him because she “takes care of things” … like his mom does … boykin, stop.
— Edit of the night: Shep having a staircase moment with Sara in which he tells her that Priscila might be the one for him because she’ll make 1,000 decisions a day like his mom and just “take care things.” Cut to Priscila stoking the fire. Flash-forward to her in 40 years, darning taco socks and reaching over to steady her toe-picking shaggy husband’s bouncing leg every 15 seconds.
— I’ve finally figured out Shep’s interview hairstyle: Jim from the Garfield comic. No! Arnold from “Revenge of the Nerds.” No! Bobby Brady. Never mind. I know nothing.
— Best moment in the episode: When Peyton — after Shep dumped her and beat his hasty retreat — toasted her own beer bottle to the mango wheat beer bottle that Shep 1. left behind, 2. made fun of her for having in her fridge and 3. didn’t even bring to the kitchen sink or ask her whether she recycles.
— Saddest moment in the episode: When Priscila heard that Shep had just dumped Peyton and had a split-second of “OH MY GOD I WON HIS LOVE” take over her face only to be replaced with a “Womp womp he’s dumping me too” expression.
— Did Sara and Shep really walk away from these dump-ings arm-in-arm? THEY DID! Let’s all hold out hope!
— Oh look! I found the finale script: Dump girl 1. Dump girl 2. Say “goddamn it I’ll do what I want”! Rush to the airport. Get flowers. Get shy. Tell the girl you really want that you’re downstairs. Tell the girl you really want that you’re not kidding. Tell the girl you really want it’s been her all along. Kiss. Walk away together. Make joke about hanging out over the weekend and then on Monday and on Tuesday and on Wednesday …. and forever because this is love!
— Admission: I wanted Peyton to win just so she could be on “Southern Charm” and freak out on him every other episode.
— But in the words of Cameran, “Let’s face it. He wants to marry his mom.”
— And in the words of Burt Bacharach, “On a hot, sunny day ... When your whites return to gray ... That’s when she’ll arrive ... When you look ... How you feel ... Someone steps upon your heel ... That’s when she will come ... Listen now ... I’m not saying that there will be violins ... But don’t be surprised if they appear ... Playing in some doorway ... Still I can’t believe that this is happening ... We’re such unlikely lovers.”
Ew! I don’t mean his mom. I mean his future mystery woman ... for instance, just a suggestion, Sara.
To read more “RelationShep” recaps, click here.