Last week I said something kind of mean about Lyle.
Maybe not “kind of.”
Maybe more like “seriously” mean.
I might have indicated that he sounds like a “Silence of the Lambs” character (But. In my defense ... listen to Lyle’s voice and then listen to Buffalo Bill’s voice. It’s like they’re the same man. Like they’re tonsil twins. “Was she a great big fat person?” “Catherine, huh huh wah.” “Was she a great big fat person?” “Catherine, huh huh wah.”).
Oh … and then I said that he has sex-offender registry lips.
I know! Oopsy.
But it turns out I was g.d. right. I WAS RIGHT.
What the heck, Lyle? I was so close to liking you.
Like less than a full minute away from thinking you were harmless.
But then I got your newsletter.
You got kicked out of high school for aiming a camera up girls’ skirts?
This is the straight-up textbook pervert version of “That serial killer skinned cats as a kid. I guess we should have known something was coming down the pipeline.”
Right, OK. “Regular dumb oversexed teen” sometimes looks a lot like “straight-up textbook pervert.” Got it. But, no!
No, no, no.
Cameras up the girl-skirt is something written under a mugshot and rightfully so. That’s not your basement, buddy. That’s her basement. Get out of her basement.
If I could, I would time travel to his 11th-grade classroom on the very first Down-Under Picture Day just so I could point at him while he’s camera-ing and loudly yell “I saw Goody Osborn with the devil … and also Lyle whatever his name is!”
That’s a “Crucible” reference for all you Country Day reality stars who aren’t so sure if Mount Rushmore is the “statue” that features the faces of presidents.
But I’m not going to belabor this “pervert thing” right now because this is going to be a long season.
I’m just going to assume he feels bad about this. He does have a beaten-down hang-dog thing going on. Or maybe it’s more like Baby Huey … wait. Revise. Baby Huey with a concussion.
So Lyle whatever your name is, you’re off the hook because I need to pace myself.
Thoughts about the third episode of “Southern Charm Savannah”:
— Ashley, whoa, right? Hannah was on planet Earth. Ashley was on “The Young and the Restless.”
Let’s break this down. Hannah was like “Look. Stripping down on the golf course while playing golf with my dopey-looking boyfriend who has the personality of a stock, not a sock, and the chest of my parents’ elephant stool, isn’t cool and I know you know this because who didn’t see ‘Varsity Blues’?” Which is a NORMAL reaction.
Ashley’s next line was supposed to be “You’re right. I apologize. I was probably wearing the wrong underwear for that particular activity with those particular men doing that particular activity. Would you like to go to Lulu’s Chocolate Bar again and see if we can make it through a chocolate martini without my house burning down?”
But that’s not what happened. Not at all.
Instead, Ashley was all “SOCIETAL AND CHRISTIAN OPPRESSION!!!!! I’m taking my oversized skateboard-accessory that is not at all surprising for me to have because of course I do and I am leaving … as soon as your elevator gets here. I’ll just stand here and wait for that. With my giant skateboard.”
Team Hannah on that one.
— OK. I think I figured out Nelson. He’s not a gay man who has been buried deep in daddy’s secret stag film closet this whole time. No. He’s an insensitive rich boy who was raised by a sassy maid and a mother who still asks that maid to diaper him.
“Shim?” He seriously called Lady Chablis “shim”? That admission was even more awkward than listening to Real Housewife Brandi Glanville try to talk her way out of saying “You’re a black” when Joyce Giraud said she couldn’t swim very well.
— But not as awkward as him using the Yiddish S-word for the American N-word to Daniel. The sad thing is I feel like there’s a 65 percent chance Nelson practiced that in the mirror before saying it twice to Daniel.
— Oddly, none of this changes my stance on “The Nelson, Happy and Azam Shadow Show” being > to “Southern Charm Savannah Actual Show” so far.
— When Catherine said she has a knack for interior design and then the scene cut to her bachelor pad? I mean … my compliments to the chef. Perfect editing. Her oddly masculine apartment looks like it was decorated by a 1990s sitcom set designer or by someone who got ahold of some vintage HGTV footage and learned about the very bold application of “paint one wall.”
— Question: When Louis rushed home to Hannah and then sat on a bench outside with her (what was that decision about? it looked like it was about 100 degrees out), did I miss the part in which he was headbutted by a unicorn? What was happening with his forehead? I’m worried.
— Quote of the Night Goes to Happy Who Should Be a Cast Member (in response to Ashley taking Hannah outside): “There goes that situation.”
— Runner-up Quote of the Night (also Happy, on what she’d do if Ashley or another sheer-thong-suit-wearer stripped in front of Azam): “I would light them on fire.” … wait. Is that what happened to Ashley’s house?
— Daniel Eichholz won the evening. Not only was he a great Club One performer, he is the only cast member I can relate to on any level — and not just because my attorney dad’s name is also Benny or because my attorney dad Benny also went to federal prison for defrauding investors. Daniel is chill. He is kind. He is gracious. He told Ashley “Good! That means you’re a good person!” when she whined about “always being the bigger person.” His comeback to Lyle pointing out the old golf-strip-now-you’re-a-drag-queen bet loss was “I made good friends doing it.” And when Nelson tried to “My Yiddish S-word” him, Daniel gave him flat-affect and said “I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.” He knew what Nelson was trying to say. He knew Nelson was the most annoying man in the world in that moment. And then there was Daniel’s post-bathroom blowie “You know the thing I love about life is that it’s effing life” comment ... sheer perfection. Life is life! It’s life! It’s sooooo life. Oh. I almost forgot. And he defended Ashley and tried to get those two thumbs with hair that are his best friends to give her another chance. He is a stand-up citizen of Savannah. A-plus for the night.
— Mic drop moment of the night: Ashley works at Delta throwing bags around?!? Wait! Don’t go! Tell us more, Lyle whatever your name is. Did you get a picture of this? Or are you not allowed to have a camera anymore ...
For other “Southern Charm Savannah” recaps, click here.
For Charleston recaps, click here.