“Warning: Do not launch directly to your face.”
Well then, how much fun can a limited-edition Pet Treat Launcher be?
The warning comes with our favorite new toy, wrapped neatly by my brother and given to our dogs for Christmas.
He probably meant it as an act of kindness to our neighbors, who might prefer that we launch the actual pets into Port Royal Sound.
But we went and ruined the glee by doing what all old people do. We read the directions.
I started this mistake with my new Yeti cooler. Until I read the directions, I did not know it is much more than an ice cooler. It is a cult.
And if I’m reading the literature correctly, my new Yeti cooler will soon have me scaling the red rocks of Utah and skinning wild boar.
Batteries not included.
Until I read the directions, I did not know that a cooler could be my best friend. But that is much more exciting than the alternate uses of our old coolers — the ones that cost less than a pickup truck. Bless their hearts, they were content to help mankind by serving as an extra chair at the kitchen table.
It was much less stressful to read the box the Pet Treat Launcher came in:
“The Pet Treat Launcher is a really fun way to reward your pet. All you need to do is fill the compartment with treats and push the button to launch treats into your quick-learning pet’s mouth!
“They’ll love it, you’ll love it, everyone watching will love it. Even better, no batteries required!”
In other words, this is a fun way to shoot dog food around the house.
The directions, translated roughly from Mandarin Chinese, say you load pet treats, pull the switch, press the button and “treats will be into pet’s mouse.”
Mice not included.
But then come the WARNINGS.
“Do not aim the launcher directly at your pet.” Only time will tell if it is better to ricochet the pet food off the French doors or the ceiling fan.
“Not a chew toy for pets.” Why didn’t this warning come with our chest of drawers?
“Do not look directly into launcher when pulling trigger.” Seemed like a good idea at the time, doctor.
“Clean before use.” That will happen.
“This is not a toy. Do not launch directly to your face.” Spoil sports.
We’ve all heard that friends don’t let friends launch pet food “directly to” their eyeballs.
But still, follow this simple seasonal warning:
Do not read the directions. It will make you even dumber.