According to one recent news account, political parties use the nominating conventions to also begin considering candidates for elections four and six years down the road. Which got me to thinking about some options they should consider.
Why not save both parties and taxpayers money by having both conventions at the same time, in the same place? Like, oh - just spitballing here - Hilton Head Island?
“Ha, ha, Carmen,” I hear you all thinking. “Your Macbook Pro has been hitting the Patron Silver again.” Very funny, local readers, but just hear me out.
Here are a sound list of reasons why the island is the perfect backdrop for a double-convention event in 2020.
1. Sheriff P.J. Tanner: Tanner and his band of well-trained brothers make the Secret Service look like the Keystone Cops when it comes to keeping our neck of the swamp safe from hooligans. They would be so on top of their games. That means the federal government could give half the security detail the week off.
2. Joe Maffo: Our own crocodilia specialist could be licensed to remove and “harvest” the two-legged variety of the family reptilia, - species politicio sapiens - known to walk upright and spout lies instinctively as a self-defense behavior. We could give Joe permission to detain (and, in some extreme cases, eliminate), any of this species deemed to be aggressive and/or a nuisance.
Tanner and Maffo could collaborate on which of the captured politicio-sapiens should be sent to the Everglades to languish in perpetua with their distant cousins.
3. Instead of a general election being held the following November - costing campaigns and taxpayers billions in advertising and poll work - the next POTUS could be decided in an official Hilton Head Election Olympics.
The following are a few of the events under consideration:
A. Candidates will compete in a Zipline contest that will test not only speed, but how fast they can dodge obstacles erected for the event, such as the sudden appearance of a mistress on one of the decks or a sext message the candidate wrote five years ago dangling from a cable.
B. Jet-ski races in shark-infested waters. (Contestants will likely be pretty well-trained at this one).
C. Tennis matches with balls made of pluff mud. The dirtiest player at the end of a set will be disqualified for being ridiculously slow and stupid.
D. Paddleboard jousting (also in shark-infested waters).
4. Debates will be held on the sandbar that appears only at low-tide between South Beach and Daufuskie Island. Candidates will be positioned in the middle of the sandbar while the moderator takes questions from pirates circling on the Black Dagger and Black Sparrow ships while on their daily search for buried treasure. Candidates will have to remain in their places - while the tide rises - until one of them says something both clear and factual. EMT’s will be on hand in case of accidental drowning.
5. All large venues on Hilton Head have swimming pools, ideal for cooling off hotheads and lobbyists.
6. Opportunity for reality show special. Candidates and their campaign staff will be dropped off in the Sea Pines Forest Preserve and the Pinckney Island Refuge with anything they want, except technology. The first party found playing with their lips, and/or drooling, loses the “Campaign Survivor” show.
7. Convention attendees will be restricted to riding the bike trails with the rest of island visitors to re-learn manners and what it really feels like to be “one of us”. (Bicycles will be equipped with training wheels at no extra charge)
8. Plagiarism problem solved. Beaufort County is swarming with intelligent but out of work writers and communications experts. The Hilton Head Election Convention of 2020 could offer these “experts” to produce speeches that don’t leave you asking, “where have I heard that before?”