Prince William is losing his hair. He's also getting married. But, mainly, he's losing his hair.
It's annoying that we're excited about a royal wedding, given that we fought so hard to not be excited about a royal wedding. What is it about the British royal family that we just can't quit? We're like the neglected girlfriend that keeps going back to the boyfriend: "Why can't I quit you?"
William is handsome, he's rich, he's articulate, he's a prince ... he might be king some day. He has it all! Except a long-term future with a full head of hair. I, literally, have none of those first things. But I do have a bald-spot-free scalp. To quote the world's most famous serial abuser, Charlie Sheen: "Winning!"
I admit it: I'm happy when a handsome guy on the TV machine starts losing his hair. I'm thrilled, even. It's small and petty ... but I'm obviously not above being small and petty.
Sign Up and Save
Get six months of free digital access to The Island Packet
I realize I'm exposing an ugly part of my humanity, but I do it because I'm comfortable in the knowledge that we all have this trait.
We're not talking about something that's important, not in the grand scheme of life. Wish harm on someone? No. Want to see them fail majorly? Of course not. Actively root for ill will or major arrest? No sane person is asking for the "full Lohan." But something as cosmically painless as male pattern baldness? Yes, please.
You wouldn't root for your neighbor Bob to lose his hair, but when the hot-shot prince of England loses it? Finally, the scales of humane fairness are tipped in our favor!
It's the same thing smart women feel when they watch an interview with Paris Hilton. It's the same thing dudes with washboard abs feel when they see Donald Trump in a golf shirt. It's the same thing tall people feel when they look at Tom Cruise on a red carpet.
(By the way, it's completely hypocritical, but it doesn't work the other way around. You can't be, say, Brad Pitt and be happy someone has a bad mustache. That's just not cool.)
It's not that we expect life to be fair -- life is life. It's a series of trials and struggles, interspersed with the occasional Hallmark moment. Most of us embrace that, and we don't spend our lives being envious of Tom Cruise or Prince William.
But that doesn't mean we can't appreciate one teeny, tiny, minuscule advantage over perfect people with near-spotless genes. We want something! Give us one little reminder that whomever holds the great, random, all-powerful grab bag of DNA is incapable of throwing a perfect game.
So the next time you see tennis legend Andy Roddick with his hat off (oh yeah, it's happening), run your hand through your full head of hair and feel good about life. Roddick might have millions, athletic ability, good looks, international popularity, everlasting fame and a supermodel wife, but you have hair. And, really, isn't that much cooler than all of his stuff?
Of course not. Don't be greedy.