I was Facebook chatting with some friends the other day about part two of the "Real Housewives of Orange County" reunion show when a really ugly side of me started to come out — a side in which my desire to make people laugh directly competed with my fear of being reincarnated as Paris Hilton's best friend or one of bin Laden's compound mistresses (tomato, tomahto ... I honestly can't decide which would be worse. Massaging bin Laden's crusty sandal toe and wondering what that crashed helicopter is doing in our yard or listening to Paris tell me why she's sooooo pretty?).
During the "Real Housewives" chat, I had to erase and retype phrases like, "Vicki's face is all puffy from fillers and Botox, but what she really needs to do is sand off those acne scars on her cheeks like Brad Pitt did in '08 because that's straight-up honeycomb." and "If Jeana's a size 6 then the camera must add 45 pounds and a full-sized second butt. Oh and what was with that old lady neck and those years of marital regret under her eyes?"
I know. Horrible, right?
I replaced my mean statements with other somewhat less mean statements, of course — I'm not working at Hallmark here — but before I did so, I debated whether I should. This is the "Real Housewives," after all. They are vile, self-indulgent, silly, lying, self-righteous women who seemingly go on the show for the sole purpose of taking down other women and proving to Bravo that they deserve their own spin-off and a screechy record contract. Furthermore, cattiness is the currency there and, when in Rome, you spend your vacation money.
Besides, I'm not this mean to real people in real life (most of the time). So I should have a pass to say whatever I want about these she-wolves because they do it too, no?
What's that, Paris? You want me to hold your cocaine purse while the police search your limo?
Then I started to think about where this might end up. If I go full-throttle on the witchiness and excuse it as just following the Real Housewives' cue, I could get lost down a real rabbit hole of moral terror.
Here are some of the lessons the Real Housewives have taught me:
So, there you have it ... the slippery slope of Real Housewives-dom. Which is why I just ... can't ... stop ... watching.
Liz Farrell is the editor of Lowcountry Current. Follow her at twitter.com/elizfarrell.