OK. Which “Southern Charm” producer discovered the lost script to “The Muppets Take Key West” and thought it would be funny to trick the cast into acting it out for the finale?
Did they think we wouldn’t notice?
Did they think we wouldn’t take one look at that group on those scooters and go “Oh my God, those Muppets”?
By the way, Shep is the Animal of the group, right? It’s kind of obvious.
Fun, crazy, lovable … has a temper.
And Austen is the Link Hogthrob (I met him this weekend. He’s a handsome kid IRL).
Or would he be the Scooter? (The Muppet Scooter, not the thing Landon rode just so she could be like “Look at me! I’m such a scooter rider with the boys! Somebody call Instagram!”).
You know what … let me just get this out of my system because if I don’t it’ll get all pent up and the chances of me once again waking up next to a confirmation email from Amazon telling me my pirate eye-patches will arrive in two days are real (because the silly has to come out somehow. I’m not even kidding).
I’ll be quick:
Craig = Fozzie Bear
Chelsea = Janice
Cameran = Rowlf the piano-playing dog
Patricia and Michael the Butler = Statler and Waldorf (doesn’t even matter which we assign to which, they’re both great)
Landon = Rizzo the Rat (Sssssss)
Thomas = Kermit
Kathryn = Miss Piggy
And Whitney = This creepy European version of Kermit …
All right, I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I could seriously talk about the scooter scenes all night long and be content with life. The whole thing truly delighted me. But I won’t do that.
(However, I would just like to note that if I did do that, I would open with something about how hard it is to get lost in Key West when there is basically one relevant restaurant-street there.
And I would definitely go on for hours about how it was no big surprise to me or possibly anyone when the first words out of Landon’s mouth after hearing that Danni was in the hospital were “We can’t all go to the hospital.”
This is just an assumption on my part, of course, but she totally would have volunteered for the Scooter Stay Behind Team, don’t you think?
Her inside voice was probably like “But Thomas and I need to snap at each other so we can get more ‘Will they or won’t they?’ screen time and I planned on being the one who doesn’t care as much!”)
My notes on the finale …
— Thomas said “Is there a doctor in the house?” as if he’d been waiting his whole privileged life for that opportunity. And, by the way, is there any reason to say it that way? Other than that’s what the 1970s TV taught us to do? Wouldn’t it be more authentic to reality to say something like “Is anyone here a doctor or nurse? No? Can anyone Google ‘fainting person help’ for me?”?
— Quote of the night: “What’s going on? Is everyone somber?” Shep’s sweet and appropriate crowd-test/ice-breaking effort after Danni’s scary fainting moment, which I needed because I was like “Don’t tell me they’re just going to eat dinner like that didn’t just happen.”
— In the battle of oral sex vs. cheese, Craig, much like actual cheese, stands alone.
— I took some pleasure in watching Thomas tell everyone that he wanted Landon to stay far away from him. It’s fun to watch a 50-hundred year old act like he’s 4. Oh. And I loved Landon’s rebuttal: “Let’s just try to be nice to each other. No jabs.” What is it called when someone known for being the perpetrator of something mean suddenly makes it a rule that no one can do that thing because it’s mean? Right, right. It’s called “you’re Rizzo the Rat, girl.”
— Craig’s gift to Cameran was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. So adorable. What a wonderful and thoughtful friend. And such a genuinely great guy. And … OK, just one slight criticism. Embroidering “Arriving Soon 2017” on a onesie MAKES NO EFFING SENSE, MAN! That onesie was for the baby, right? For her to wear, yes? Which … WHEN SHE WEARS IT, SHE WILL ALREADY BE HERE. MY GOD, CRAIG. CAN’T YOU EVEN DO A ONESIE RIGHT? This is why Shep laughs at you. I swear.
— Quote of the future: “Naomie, I’m starting a line of embroidered onesies for fetuses and I already have investors and I don’t want to hear your negative talk about it because you never support my ideas.” Craig, after reading this recap and stealing my idea for embroidered onesies for fetuses (which would be made out of swimsuit material because, you know, in utero and all that … kind of wet in there)
— What should a girl do the day after her mortal pinch-faced enemy forces her to listen to a histrionic declaration of faux peace at the table during their friend’s birthday dinner? Why, she should pick up her “Machiavellian bible” and study up. Kathryn’s beach read? It appeared to be the controversial and best-selling business book from 1998, “The 48 Laws of Power,” by Robert Greene, and she appeared to be on Law 42: “Strike the shepherd and the Muppets will scatter.” Sorry. I mean, “Strike the shepherd and the sheep will scatter.” Here’s an excerpt: “Trouble can often be traced to a single strong individual — the stirrer, the arrogant underling, the poisoner of goodwill. If you allow such people room to operate, others will succumb to their influence. Do not wait for the troubles they cause to multiply, do not try to negotiate with them — they are irredeemable.”
“Irredeemable,” hmmmm. I wonder how Kathryn will apply this bit of advice and to whom. So many — well, two — choices.
— I don’t think anyone told Austen and Chelsea that they were in Key West to film a TV show because they were like “Peace. We’re off to go do normal couple vacation things while you guys sit around and puzzle it out on whether Landon could possibly have been sincere in her fake truce with Kathryn.”
— Speaking of … did Danni seriously believe that Landon was being real in her defense of Kathryn that morning? And could it be possible that Landon was being real? I kind of trust Danni on her assessments, but there’s a small part of me that’s like “I think someone’s still dehydrated.”
— When Craig scolds Naomie he sounds like an old-timey spinster aunt reading a period romance novel out loud to a cat in a snooty monotone voice: “It’s certainly not fair and very ugly to give me an ultimatum.”
— OK. Look. Sorry to bring it up again. But I believe Landon believes she was being genuine about her truce with and her defense of Kathryn. I believe she believes it came off like that. However … nice try, vocal fry. I mean, Jesus, Mary and Landon, Landon. You couldn’t even last a second. First she’s like “Thomas was being a little bit of a bully!” then bloop, a second passes, and she’s like “I’m glad we made up, but I still don’t want to be around her. You just don’t know what you’re going to get.” I’m not entirely sure how that’s not the same as it was before Key West, Landon. But whatever.
— Vacation drunk Shep kind of had me worried. What a slur-fest. His liver seriously must have Stockholm syndrome or something because that thing should have fully turned on him by now. But, no. It’s like “I love him. He’s misunderstood. I can’t leave him!” Can you imagine if Hannibal Lechter got ahold of Shep? He’d be stuck eating just sad old fava beans and saving the nice chianti for the next victim. Oh, and I think I speak for everyone when I say we all needed a lot more information on this guy at the airport and the water spillage, on the throat-chicken wing scare and on Craig and Shep’s missed-flight adventures in general. I would gladly watch an entire series based on whatever that afternoon, late night and next morning looked like.
— Landon’s sister’s facial expression was like real-time the nation’s facial expression while we all watched Landon pretend like she’s not a contrived human being who talks to people only to convince herself of her own delusions.
— Is anyone else feeling chilly? Here. Let me build us a fire using every single copy of “Pride and Prejudice” there is in this world BECAUSE THEY RUINED IT FOR US. Gross. They’re gross.
— The part of Shep’s liver will be played by J.D.’s face and body (Shep’s liver understudy: Thomas Ravenel.)
— I guess Landon isn’t O.C. anymore. Sorry real estate, architecture and horses. Looks like you’re going to have to wait for a new mommy now — one who feels honored to be with such a catch.
— Kathryn’s cape was by far the classiest piece of clothing she has ever worn ... until Thomas started molesting it, that is. (That sex-hug is how the Duggars think babies are made, though, and in this one instance it actually wouldn’t be a stupid thing to believe …#science.)
— I’m glad Naomie and Craig figured it out. It sucks they had to waste this entire season wearing periwinkle with their therapist.
— Runner-up quote of the night: “I feel like Austin Powers threw up on a girl.” Kathryn on her vomity-Austin Powers costume that I want to hate but can’t because at least she’s freaking interesting. Let’s face it, Landon was probably best-dressed this season.
— I’m pretty sure Landon is secretly part of the Suicide Squad. She takes way too much pleasure in being loony-rude. That Bay of Pigs moment was seriously confusing for me. I was like, hahahaha sick burn, Shep! But then I saw Landon delighting in it and I was left with no choice but to immediately stop laughing and head right to Google where I typed “I’m not a sociopath, am I?”
— Aaaaaand that’s it. I’m not even going to address the Kathryn and Thomas final moment there because get a life, Bravo. Earlier this year Shep told Packet reporter Mandy Matney in a video interview that this season was like “death by a thousand papercuts” and he was totally right. The show ended and I was like “Wait. That was it? It’s over?” I guess I was hoping for something a little more “Whaaaat!.” Like maybe someone would’ve announced she’s pregnant again ... from a hug Or maybe another lie of Landon’s would’ve been revealed. Or maybe we’d have ended with Whitney and Thomas admitting they frottage with each other off-camera. Or maybe, and this would’ve been the most ideal, Patricia and Michael the butler would have announced their secret love slash engagement and we could have counted on next season to be all about Michael working at his own wedding. But no. The last papercut was just like “Slice. Kathryn and Thomas are pretending like there’s a future there. Again. Fine. Whatever, Bravo.”