Mama was surprised when I told her the Ice Age was to come skidding back to life this week.
I was instructing her not to drive over to Thomson, Ga., on Tuesday to get a part at Sears.
Poor parents. When their kids are teenagers, we tell them how obsolete they are. When we're young adults, we tell them where all they went wrong. When we are elderly ourselves, we try to control their comings and goings.
I bet Mama drove over to Thomson, anyway, her head barely visible over the steering wheel.
Never miss a local story.
But truthfully, in rural Georgia all it takes is a good rain to make the red-clay roads "slick as glass," as my grandmother used to say. Grandmother's stories often sparkled with the drama of roads slick as glass, convicts on the loose or rattlesnakes big enough to bend a tractor wheel.
So when I told Mama on this beautiful Monday afternoon about the coming Ice Age, she said, "Well, maybe it will help with the fire ants."
That is, maybe the deep freeze will kill the fire ants, or at least thin them down to several brigades so weakened they will quit hauling off the front porch bite by bite.
Here in the Lowcountry, some people might be hoping to see a good old snow like the one we got in Christmas 1989.
Just to be on the safe side, we've rushed out and stripped the shelves bare at the liquor store -- I mean, the bread aisle. Here on Cirrhosis Shores, we try to always be prepared.
Weather predictions are beyond my pay grade. But the rule of thumb in newspapers is that whatever weather we write about, the opposite will be true on the day the paper comes out.
But no matter what happens, this is getting too much like Chicago for my tastes. If the Lord had intended us to be ice fishermen, he would never have created the sand bar.
My attitude on this vortex of inappropriate weather is much like my mother's.
Maybe it can put a dent in the chiggers, roaches, ticks and fleas.
I will concede that no wind chill will ground our squirrels. But couldn't it freeze a few moles in place?
And since our bridges ice before roadways, do you reckon the wily coyotes will get stuck running in place on the bridge and pack up their knapsacks and go back to wherever it is they belong?
I'm not sure the armadillos have crossed the bridges to the islands yet, have they? Maybe we could sail them like hockey pucks back to Florida.
Did anybody say anything about lizards, skinks and snakes?
Or mosquitoes, horse flies and no-see-ums?
If this could cripple a few frogs and locusts, the new Ice Age would be a success of biblical proportions.
And we could get back to slip-sliding down the back roads and mailing post cards to our friends in Chicago.
Follow columnist David Lauderdale at twitter.com/ThatsLauderdale.