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Monkeys use to learn the Force (finally!)
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I used to be one of those people who believes it's nearly impossible to improve upon monkeys, which have historically been one of nature's most consistently hilarious creatures. What can't monkeys do? They're funny, they do adorable human-like things when you throw change at them in a zoo, they're delicious, they can play boogie-woogie piano if Chuck E. Cheese is to be believed and they are single-handedly responsible for keeping the organ grinder industry alive (I read that last part in Forbes).
But I stand corrected, now that it's possible for monkeys to eat things just by thinking about it, which is something I've been working on regarding Cocoa Pebbles since about 1982.
Indeed, according to a recent story on CNN, which I strongly endorse as my No. 1 source for Monkey Brain News, a group of monkeys, with little monkey sensors implanted in their little monkey brains, last week learned to control a robot arm with their MINDS, using it to feed themselves fruit and marshmallows.
I don't need to tell you how amazing this is, particularly in the field of handsfree S'mores production. But it also apparently means other things, such as that -- and here's the important part -- MONKEYS CAN CONTROL THINGS WITH THEIR MINDS, which we can apparently figure out how to make happen, though no one can quite get a handle on why gas is $4 a gallon and 85% of all visitors to the island regard a traffic circle as though it were some impenetrable set of Incan hieroglyphics.
Now, a lot of people might be freaked out by the idea of monkeys with magic brain powers, but I call these people cowards, monkey-cowards, who fail to see the benefit of having a bunch of Jedi primates around, not the least of which is that they would be ADORABLE. These naysayers, all they see is the fear -- the fear of a future in which we humans are forced to do the bidding of our monkey masters, where we're all in a giant tub doing tasks monkeys don't need to do anymore, such as peel bananas and make awful Disney movies, while the monkeys sit back and pound margaritas and listen to monkey jazz and think, "Gosh, remember when we had to sit around in zoos and pretend that 'Project X' didn't bother us?"
But not me. Me, I see a bright future in which man and monkey live together in a glorious future of unprecedented collaboration. Magic monkey helpers! YES WE CAN!
Just imagine what this could mean in the field of monkey helpers, which I am totally taking out a patent on right after finishing this column (I am also cybersquatting on monkeyhelpers.org, monkeyhelpers.com, monkeyhelpers.info, monkeyhelpers.nz for some reason, and monkeyfacebook.com, so just back off, because if you get on my bad side I'll give you three guesses what small, easily agitated primate will come hunt you down with a spear). No more having to send your toddlers to fetch your beer from the fridge. No more having to drive yourself to the grocery store. No more having to wait in line at the check-in terminal!
Sure, there are possible downsides to this, like that the monkeys might form a winged army that could be controlled by a wicked witch of some kind. And yeah, I suppose this is sort of giving them the tools they need to take over the planet, much like Charlton Heston predicted, just before monkeys killed him.
But I rarely have been more excited about monkeys with magic powers in my life, except for that one time I went to Singapore that I can't really talk about. So I say kudos to you, monkey nation! I look forward to Friending the lot of you on monkeyfacebook.com. Which is mine. Paws off.
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