Second time around: Planning another wedding is all in the details
By CHERYL WALKER
Copley News Service

It's been said that love is better the second time around, but what about when it comes to planning a wedding?

First weddings can be stressful, as well as financially draining. But sometimes, there are issues to deal with in a second wedding that weren't there the first time.

When there is a second wedding, it means there has been a change in the family unit and now plans may involve children, an ex-spouse or former in-laws. A bride or a groom who have divorced parents can also complicate wedding plans.

But these issues don't have to add stress to that special occasion. There are helpful hints in handling situations that can make the second time around even more special than the first.

Start with how the announcement of marriage is made to relatives. This can ease a lot of the stress right from the beginning.

"I strongly recommend you let your ex know what your plans are before the children tell," said Dr. Margorie Engel, author of "Weddings, A Family Affair: The New Etiquette for Second Marriages and Couples With Divorced Parents."

"You're not asking permission, but setting the groundwork for a better relationship when you don't blindside the ex. Give people the opportunity, whether it's an ex, a parent or other family member, the chance to deal with these changes in their own private way."

Engel's book came as the result of her own experiences as a mother of two daughters and the stepmother of three girls. While getting ready for her stepdaughters' weddings, she discovered when looking for advice or etiquette on blended families, there was no book for her to turn to.

"I scrambled for guidelines to help our family avoid difficult or explosive situations," Engel said. "I found there was very little guidance, and I began talking to people to find out what they did and didn't do, what worked and what didn't."

When it comes to sending out the invitations, there are some things to consider: the ages of the bride and groom and if there are children involved, and how old they are. "If it's a young bride and she was quickly out of her first marriage, it's OK to have her parents announce the wedding," Engel said. "But if she's over 30 and has been on her own and independent, then the bride and groom should make the announcement."

If the children are adults, they may want to have their name included on the invitation as announcing the marriage. When this is done, the bride's children should appear first and then the groom's. Children can be listed by age or in alphabetical order.

Seating at a wedding can be more complicated when the couple has more than one set of parents. They should be placed in the honored seats, but divorced couples should not sit in the same row. If the wedding couple's parents have remarried, the mother and her spouse should sit in the first row and the father and his wife in the next row. Placing divorced couples in the same row is a breach of etiquette. If the parents are not married but brought a date to the wedding, the date should be seated with the parent they are accompanying.

"You don't separate couples," Engel said. "This is the general rule and you follow it. If the parents don't get along, you may want to put a buffer row between the mother and the father."

If the bride or groom has had a close relationship with former in-laws, it is not uncommon for them to be invited to the wedding. This is something that should be discussed with the new spouse. They would also be seated in honored seats with other relatives.

One of the biggest mistakes a couple can make is trying to make divorced parents act as a couple that day.

"A wedding of a child is not the time to resolve family conflicts," said Engel. "Most adults can deal with it for a brief time and most people rise to the occasion."

Because divorced couples should not act as a couple, they should also be photographed separately.

"This means taking duplicate photos," Engel said. "There are some parents who wouldn't object. Sometimes couples like having parents together in a photo together for the sake of the family tree. But as a general rule, you don't do that."

It is best to talk carefully beforehand with the photographer. This way, he will not make assumptions on photographs and issues can be avoided.

There are many ways to blend families and have everyone involved in the wedding. Many couples try to include their children in the ceremony by having them as an attendant, ring bearer or flower girl. If they don't want to be in the wedding party, they can help with the guest book or greeting guests.

"They become involved in the planning process and this seems to start the marriage off on the right foot for everyone," Engel said. "One of my favorite stories is when two adults and their respective children were sitting around and roasting marshmallows. One of the children spoke up and said, 'Isn't this romantic? Just the five of us?'"

And probably the issue that is foremost on a bride's mind is the wedding gown. Typically, anything that flatters the bride is OK. The white wedding dress started with Queen Victoria, but before that, brides wore anything.

"What I find is that people wear anything and everything," Engel said. "I wouldn't recommend that a second-time bride wear a white gown, although some brides feel if they got cheated out of it the first time, they'll wear it in a second wedding. A bride should definitely not wear orange blossoms because it is a sign of purity and virginity."

Engel's book offers several ideas in planning a second wedding, whether it's a civil ceremony or a religious rite.

Another helpful source is the Step Family Association of America, which consists of lawyers, counselors, financial advisers and therapists. This organization can be of great value to people who are remarrying. Membership allows people to get in touch with members of the board and get answers to questions. There are more than 60 chapters in 32 states.

To contact the Step Family Association of America, call (800) 735-0329 or, on the Internet at www.stepfarm.org.