On the season finale of “Southern Charm” Monday night, the cast was as dysfunctional as ever, and honestly, would we expect anything less for a farewell?
There was the requisite fighting between Kathryn and T-Rav, a showdown between Craig and Shep over who was more dateable, and a fabulous fundraiser hosted by Our Lady Patricia.
Despite its initial slow pacing, the episode revved up enough by the end of the hour for #SouthernCharm to become a trending topic on Twitter. #GoodEnoughforSeason3?
YOU OK, DRUNKY?
The episode begins with Craig calling Cameran the morning after Thomas’ campaign party. She’s too hungover to answer and so Craig leaves her a gleeful message about her drunken antics the night before. For once, it seems, Craig was not the party animal and is eager to rub it in.
“Maybe I should try to fix myself before I try to help these people anymore,” he says.
I guess a “U still alive?” call after a boozy party is helpful. Maybe.
YOU OK, LOSER?
Thomas heads to JD’s house to lick his wounds after a landslide loss in the Senate election.
“Are you all right?” JD asks. He comments that the Thomas he’s seen during the campaign is not the Thomas he knows as a longtime friend.
A misty-eyed Thomas recalls a time before the campaign, before Kathryn, when he was single, happy and hopeful.
Well, “...you were just getting out of prison,” JD reminds him.
Thomas continues as if he hasn’t heard and says he needs to “get the chaos out” of his life, and hints that the chaos is Kathryn.
But he loved Kathryn!
He loved her “physicality.”
He loved her red hair.
He loved --
That’s all he says he loved.
Then he throws out a quote from “Steel Magnolias.” He botches it a little, but the saying goes like this: “I’d rather have three minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”
For all of us who’ve followed the TomKat rollercoaster, we know those three minutes are up.
‘LIFE IS NOT AN AFTERNOON AT THE BEACH CLUB’
Landon is getting ready to open her Pop Up shop. The stunning house she’s rented and everything in it will be for sale. Shep comes over to help unload the merchandise that Landon will place perfectly with an interior designer’s eye for detail.
“It’s been so nice to do this in Charleston because so many people help me!” Landon says excitedly as Shep lugs a box upstairs.
Landon’s mom, Cindy, also drops by for a visit. Landon has been somewhat dreading it because she and her mom are not on great terms since Landon’s divorce.
“Landon, you know how hard your divorce was on me,” Cindy says as the two sit down over wine and a cheese plate.
“How hard it was on you? How about how hard it was on me?” Landon cries.
In a way, Landon blames her traditional Southern mama for having stuck it out in the marriage for so long in the first place. Divorce is clearly not something Cindy approves of. And her mom didn’t really prepare her for the real world, Landon says. “I was expecting life to be like an afternoon at the beach club. It’s not.”
Ah, the real world. Welcome, Landon. Welcome.
THERE’S A SILVER FOX IN MY POOL
Patricia, who lives as far away from the real world as possible, has a pool party with two male guests. They’re there to discuss an upcoming fundraiser for the Wounded Warrior Project on the USS Yorktown.
There’s Bryan, an attractive, shirtless “mover and shaker” from New York, and Bill, a silver fox and a (gasp!) Democrat.
“I think we should do more for our wounded veterans,” Patricia says. Why then, does she want to subject them to Whitney’s band as entertainment? At least we know now how Renob gets its gigs.
Cut to Kathryn attending a private cooking class with the Charleston Academy of Domestic Pursuits. She’s been taking classes to try and be a better homemaker for Thomas. It is here Kathryn learns what a parsnip is, and that she can use her cooking time to ponder her relationship.
Kathryn tells this cooking teacher/therapist that she’s sad about having been dumped on Facebook, and how Thomas had promised her a home, a car, a chance at a relationship, and didn’t deliver.
Wait, is she saying what we think she’s saying? That the politician lied? Whodathunkit.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A DIRTY DIAPER
Cameran is also in the throes of domestic pursuits and is doing laundry when her old roommate Leva comes by for a visit. Leva brings Cameran flowers and donuts. Flowers for the “new wife” Cameran and donuts for the “old roommate Cameran.”
Cam says she once-upon-a-time survived on white bread, donuts and vienna sausages.
During girl talk, she tells Leva that she is still looking to get a dog in an attempt to delay having to have a baby.
She says she thinks pregnancy is disgusting and that she would definitely be one of those women who complains about being pregnant 24/7.
“I will think there’s an alien inside me,” she says, adding that sitting at home all day with a baby is her version of Hell.
HOT OR NOT?
The Wounded Warrior fundraiser event arrives, and Craig and Shep are getting ready to be auctioned off for dates at the party.
Craig fusses over his bright red pants and striped shoes.
Shep slouches into a mustard-colored jacket and jeans.
“You look like George Bush,” Craig tells him.
“You look like a lollipop,” Shep shoots back.
When it comes time for the auction, Craig is up first. After some back-and-forth bidding, a country singer named Kelsea Ballerini pays $5,001 for Craig’s company.
“It’s not fair! She will be so underwhelmed by that date,” Shep pouts. “She’s going to be saying, ‘Check please!’ If it were a date with me, she’d be saying, ‘Check please, let’s go back to my place. Get that creme brulee to go!’”
But when it’s his turn on the auction block, the ladies don’t come snapping at Shep. No one even bites at the opening bid of $1750, until Cameran flags him down with a pity bid.
Shep can’t handle being beaten by Craig and looks like he’s about to have a meltdown. (The Dubya getup obviously didn’t have the desired effect.)
He gets in Craig’s face, mouthing off out of jealousy, until Craig stomps off in a huff and leaves the fundraiser.
PARTY-CRASHER BEAST MODE
Kathryn arrives uninvited, all done-up and wearing a full-length mink coat. (#notTarget.)
“I’m on a mission to show Thomas just how big of a mistake he made,” she huffs.
When Thomas catches a look at her, his jaw goes slack.
“The chemistry is overtaking my willpower,” he groans. “She makes me weak, what can I say?”
Whitney sees the two making eyes at each other and immediately tries to intervene. He reminds T-Rav that Kathryn attacked him on Jekyll Island and spent the night with Craig on the beach. Instead of getting mad about this new information, Thomas says he doesn’t believe it happened. He waltzes over to Kathryn and whispers, “Wanna get out of here?”
To which Kathryn says --and I’m paraphrasing here-- “Are you for real?”
She outlines her demands for Thomas, saying she wants love --in public and in private-- and to be treated like a lady. And she doesn’t want him listening to advice from Whitney or Jenn. Ever.
Thomas seems to be getting over his initial slack-jawed-ness and says they should work on their relationship, but live apart.
“But if we want to spend the night together, fine,” he throws in.
Kathryn isn’t having it.
“It’s either all in or all out,” she says.
“This is going nowhere,” Thomas decides. “Let’s just lean toward being friends.
He gets up to go, but Kathryn tugs his arm. He shrugs her off and B-lines for the door.
Kathryn yells and runs after him. “Thomas! THOMAS! THOMAAAAAAAAS!!”
Does she catch him? We don’t know! The show abruptly cuts to a “Two Weeks Later” shot of Craig packing his car and leaving Charleston. He says he needs to get away and go home to study for the bar.
And that’s how it ends.
NEXT UP: There will be a reunion show next Monday. Same time. Same channel.
HOW TO MAKE BETTER DECISIONS
“When in doubt, get the bourbon out.” - JD
WHEN YOU KNOW YOU OVERPAID FOR YOUR OUTFIT
“Those trousers look like a cheap hotel.” - Patricia’s interior designer to Whitney
ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE CAMERAN
“I love gas station food.” Enough said.
WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU WANT TO TAKE A DATE TO THE NEXT LEVEL
“Get that creme brulee to go!” The new slang for let’s get down tonight.