Time to raze that roof.
In the penultimate “Southern Charm” episode of the season, Thomas and Kathryn's relationship implodes, as does the entirety of Thomas's political dreams and aspirations. It certainly wasn't pretty to watch, but like a terrible car crash, we couldn't look away.
The episode picks up from last week when we found out Kathryn's friend and stylist Lauren Moser accused Thomas of assault. Lauren filed a police report saying Thomas slammed a door on her arm, causing her to fall down three stairs. She also told police Thomas fell into a swimming pool while carrying baby Kensington. According to the October Post and Courier story that unfolded in real-time, Kathryn was with Thomas when the incident occurred—not on Jekyll Island—but we'll chalk it up to creative editing.
The show begins with a freaked-out Thomas calling Kathryn, basically saying, “Do you know how serious this is?!”
Kathryn says she isn't 12 and understands, and seems to immediately have his back.
Yet when Thomas says he needs her to come back to Charleston immediately to support him—and give a statement to police—she decides she's rather stay, drink cocktails and dance on Jekyll.
“He needs my love and support the minute I take time for myself,” Kathryn pouts.
Craig, in all his post-law-school wisdom, tells her she doesn't really need to race back to Charleston right that second. Of course, he's happy that any gossip about he and Kathryn sleeping on the beach together has been completely eclipsed by the Thomas fiasco. Then he asks Kathryn to be his dance partner at a group dance lesson.
She dances with Landon instead.
WHAT IS THAT GIRL THINKING?
Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is dumbstruck by Kathryn's decision-making.
“You don’t stay sipping cocktails and taking dance lessons when there's a criminal investigation going on with your partner!” Cameran exclaims.
“If Kathryn doesn’t go back to Charleston, Thomas is going to go bat s*** crazy. But that's between y'all,” J.D. says.
“If Kathryn loved Thomas even a little bit, she'd go back and clear his name,” Whitney scoffs. He floats the idea that maybe Kathryn and her stylist are in cahoots, and the police report is part of some diabolical strategy to destroy Thomas.
“She is cunning...I wouldn't put it past her,” he says.
J.D. Responds that Whitney probably read too much Shakespeare as a kid and needs to take the dramatics down a notch.
But then he wouldn't be the Whitney we have come to know and (not) love! He races back to Charleston to tell on Kathryn to Thomas.
The would-be Senator is in his campaign office feeling horrible about the unfortunate turn of events.
“The whole campaign is cratered. There's absolutely no way I can recover from this,” he says, correctly.
In his anger at Kathryn for not returning to his side, Thomas has rashly posted on Facebook that the two of them are SO over.
That's right. He dumped her on Facebook.
Kathryn looks at her phone and finds out she's been cut loose, and sad music plays while she packs her things and drives away, interspersed with scenes of her and Thomas during happier, albeit drunker, times.
IT'S ALL OVER THE NEWS
Cut to Patricia watching the news about Thomas on T.V. as Whitney fills her in on the weekend's events. Two of her fur-balls, Siegfried and Roy, seem to be just as upset at the news and won't stop barking at the T.V., so Patricia asks the butler, Michael, to take them away and come back with a bourbon and sour thankyouverymuch.
IT'S MY PARTY AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO
Election day arrives, and Thomas is not feeling good about it.
Neither is the rest of the group, but they dutifully show up to a results party at J.D.'s restaurant.
“Should I vote for T-Rav or write myself in?” Shep jokes.
“I don't know if this is tasteful or not, but should we take wagers on the percentage?” J.D. asks.
That percentage, by the way, was about 4.
“It was a great effort,” Whitney tells Thomas in an attempt to comfort him. “At least you didn’t embarrass yourself.”
To which Thomas replies: “Heh.”
The night's real wagers, however, are on whether Kathryn will show her face.
She does. Right as Thomas is delivering his concession speech.
“Now she's showing up to watch him go down in flames. That seems fun,” Shep comments.
In his speech, Thomas finally thanks Kathryn. Too little too late!
Afterward, everyone is getting stinkin' drunk, and Kathryn sidles up to Thomas and tells him she's there to support him.
He very stiffly thanks her and asks her not to start any drama.
Kathryn is offended and skulks off, telling the others no one knows how much she's sacrificed and how she doesn't deserve such treatment.
“It's a little conceited to think everything is about you,” Landon tells her.
“Unless you have an opinion of substance, don't have one.” Kathryn shoots back, hackles raised.
“I'm allowed to have an opinion, Kathryn,” Landon replies.
Nope, this is our party, Kathryn says, and gives Landon the bird.
Then Patricia (finally!) calls Kathryn a shameless strumpet.
NEXT UP: The season finale.
WHAT'S THE WORSE WAY TO GET DUMPED?
“Break up on Facebook? Is he a 12-year-old girl? He should have thought that out a bit more. Maybe a text.” - Whitney
NOT THE BOY SCOUTS, BUT THE NEXT BEST THING?
When Whitney confronts Craig about why he and Kathryn slept on the beach, Craig says that they had no choice when the golf cart and both their phones died.
“Fortunately I watched enough 'Naked and Afraid' to know what to do,” he says.
I don't always get survival tips from shows that strand naked people in the wilderness, but when I do, I use them on a beach with another man's girlfriend.
WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOUR FRIEND IS ABOUT TO LOSE. BADLY.
“I think it's going to be a Let's Have More Than Three Bourbons night.” - J.D.
PROOF THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON TO PARTY
Shep says Thomas's election results party is like a New Orleans funeral. “Someone dies and you celebrate.”