A child's malapropisms make for some funny memories

info@islandpacket.comMay 30, 2012 

  • 1 Sarah Lee frozen pound cake

    2 cups confectioner's sugar

    3 tablespoon fresh lemon juice

    Chopped mint leaves for garnish

    Put cake on a pretty plate. Mix sugar and lemon juice and drizzle over the cake. Sprinkle with mint leaves.

One of my children has always loved words. When he was little and had to write book reports and essays, I never knew what he would come up with. His teachers were amazed by some of the words he used. Once, in a report, he wrote that the "air was like hanging hair on a summer's morn." His teacher did not believe he had really written that, but I assured her he had.

Because of my store, I travel to Atlanta to shop two or three times a year. My children used to love that trip, especially my wordsmith. One time, we were in a showroom that sold pottery made in France. The room was full of buyers when a small voice announced, "My mother is flatulent in French." I don't have to tell you that I was horrified. I pretended I didn't know who he was.

Another time we were at Lenox Square, which is a large shopping center. We were on the hunt for a winter jacket that he had seen a picture of in one of my magazines. I had told him it was too expensive and maybe we could find one that he and his sister could both wear -- I was joking, of course. Well, from the depths of a very famous department store I heard a loud voice ask the sales lady if there were any "bisexual jackets" in the store. You could have heard a pin drop. I slunk over and in a whisper told the lady he meant "unisex," but that fell on deaf ears. We quickly left empty-handed.

Things haven't changed too terribly much, and I think my child has missed his calling. He could really make his mark as a speechwriter for the president. He would really turn a frown upside down and make things a lot more fun at the White House.

* We will have a Perigean spring tide on June 4. This is a high tide that occurs when the moon is closest to the Earth. If you are at the beach, the low tide that follows is supposed to be one of the best times to find shells. For the second and last time of this century, Venus will move across the sun and cause an astrological moment called a "solar transit" on June 5 and 6. Sounds like a great excuse for a party to me.

* "Bucket List" references are all the rage. Pardon my dust, but I don't give a flying fig about doing any death-defying things before I go to who knows where. My niece and nephew in Florida just had the grand experience of skydiving for the fun of it -- and have lived to tell the tale. Everything opened as promised by the instructor, and they are still in one piece. But I say, give me the old terra firm, where my feet don't take me where I am not longing to go.

My "bucket list" is very easy: To have really good coffee beans from Kingbean Coffee -- freshly ground by me, of course -- at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning with a perfectly poached egg on toast, the Sunday Island Packet, the New York Times, and a visit from my chicks.

It's crazy how the simple things are what matter most.

Babbie Guscio is the social columnist for The Bluffton Packet. She can be reached at The Store on Calhoun Street.

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