8 ways to get back at Kim Kardashian

lfarrell@islandpacket.comNovember 3, 2011 

Well, congratulations, society. You payed at least $18 million to watch a pretty woman with a stunning lack of talent get married for 72 days.

I say "you" because, shockingly, I only watched "Kim's Fairytale Wedding" yesterday, and I had to shut it off halfway through because I was two seconds away from charging a private plane to a stranger’s credit card so I could fly to Calabasas and set fire to those hideous Judith Leiber clutches Kim designed for her bridesmaids. I changed my mind only because I didn't want to deny Kris Humphries' poor, chubby sisters the opportunity to sell theirs on eBay, which I assume they're doing right this minute (Anyone in the market for a sparkly old lady purse with a bunch of K's on it? Now's your chance).

While I was watching the wedding special, I couldn't help but get excited over Kim's impending divorce. Who among us ever would have been able to get past the fact that her hubby’s name is the same as her mother’s, right down to the spelling? As they both look like fancy men, I had to keep track of who was who by noting that the big one with an annoying voice and dollar signs for eyes WITH gloppy mascara is Kris Jenner and the big one with the annoying voice and dollar signs for eyes WITHOUT gloppy mascara is Kris Humphries. I don’t know anything about casting or scripting, but Kim Kardashian is not a Bob Newhart character, and I just don’t think she’d be great at having to say, “This is Kris and this is my other mother Kris” every time they entered a room together.

Also difficult for me and my shallow sensibilities to accept was their height differential — and not just because it looked like Kris Humphries should be carrying Kim around in a bamboo baby sling while mulling ways to casually slip into conversation with the other mothers that yes, he does make all her organic carrot mush from scratch. Any good person who doesn’t know what she’s talking about could tell you that their height difference was going to be a major problem for the reality show cameras. Also, Kim needs to find someone her own size and leave the giants for Khloe, who could use all the flattering contrast she can get.

Anyway, while I’m sure Kim really loved Kris etc. etc. (maybe), it’s hard not to feel annoyed by someone who wore three custom-made Vera Wang gowns on her wedding day and flirtily chuckled to herself “Who does that?” when telling the cameras about the many extravagant features of her “fairytale” event in a two-part television special (and People magazine spread) that was constantly shoved down our throats this summer — whether or not we wanted to know about it.

Personally, I think she should pay US back for this. Or, at the very least, we should exact revenge on her.

Oh look, I have some suggestions on how we can do that:

1. Delete the letter K from the alphabet: Whatcha gonna do now, Im Ardashian?

2. Change OUR last names to Kardashian. Let’s just go ahead and make it the new Smith. That way, when we meet her we can be like, "You're Kim Kardashian? Me too! How funny! There are so many of us out there ... Hey! Are you the one squatting on my URL?"

3. Convince Armenia to make her their queen. Then sit on our hands when they inevitably suggest regicide (which she will stupidly agree to because she thinks it means Reggie Bush wants her back).

4. Spread a rumor in the NBA and NFL that the "junk in her trunk" is actually two giant lumps of the shingles virus. Explain why this is not such great news for them — after it is explained to us, because what is shingles?

5. Send her a script for a new reality show called "Who Doesn't Love Kim?" then change the name to "Kim, Meet This Honey Badger" after she signs on for the project.

6. Suggest to Lindsay Lohan's judge that Kim would make an excellent mentor/sober buddy/morgue companion. Watch in merriment as Kim teaches Lindsay to brush her teeth after every meth.

7. Remix Kim's song "Jam" with Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind," Heidi Montag's "One More Drink" and Courtney Stoddard's "Don't." Send her the CD and retire to our bunkers till the mushroom cloud clears from that explosion of awful.

8. Buy generic. Because ultimately this is what it’s all about, isn’t it? Her “brand”? Kim Kardashian didn’t get married 72 days ago, Kim Kardashian Inc. did, and someone needs to shut that business down ... for a little while, anyway.

Until “Kim and Kourtney Take New York” starts up again.

Because I Love. That. Show.

Liz Farrell is the editor of Lowcountry Current. Follow her at twitter.com/elizfarrell.

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