Ordinarily I make my plans according to what I assume to be the opposite of whatever one million moms have scheduled for their days.
Change some diapers? Nooooope. Mold and shape young lives? Uh-uh. Kiss boo-boos and put myself last? Ha! Not likely, folks. Spend embarrassing amounts of money on things I might throw out next week and then take a mid-afternoon cocktail nap after Googling can a person be too well-rested and how do I know my cat loves me for me? Ah yes, pencil me in for that and I do mean use a pencil. You never know when an emergency meeting with my couch, some chick-lit and a giant iced coffee might come up.
Bosses! Am I right?
This isnt the only way the moms help me, though. I also turn to them, or rather a group of them who call themselves One Million Moms, to gauge how I should think on any given issue in current pop culture which, again, is to say, the opposite of whatever they think.
Not that Im not trying to take on any large and well-organized assortment of moms here mainly because theres no way for a child-free woman in her 30s to do so without sounding bitter and like shes scared no one will visit her in the nursing home. God knows if I thought I could get away with that, I would have already published my secret self-help book, Your Child Is Average and So Are You: How to Know When a Smile is Just a Smile and When Its A Very Lengthy Blog Entry or Exclamative Facebook Status Update. This, of course, being the much-awaited sequel to my first controversial would-be best-seller, Congratulations! Youre the One Person Whos Made a Baby! A New Mothers Guide to Being the Only Woman Whos Ever Done This!
No really, someone will visit me in the nursing home, right? Girl Scouts are forced to do things like that, no? What about your kids? What do they have planned for 2061? Maybe they could do a real mitzvah and swing by just to say hi to a sad old lady, clutching a necklace made of cat fur?
Anyway, this personal guideline to opinion-forming has put me in quite the conundrum with Ben & Jerrys latest ice cream variety, which One Million Moms has called a vulgar new flavor that has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive. Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket.
Well, first, we need to get one thing straight: Ben & Jerrys isnt for kids. Its for women who are gravely disappointed by their jobs and the men in their lives. Usually it is consumed straight from the carton and in an upright manner using the glow of the freezer light to guide whatever utensil was the easiest to reach.
Its best that kids never see this.
That said, the, uh, new flavor is a little much, no? The, um, new, um, flavor ... OK. Theres no way around this. Its called Schweddy Balls and its based on a clever, innuendo-filled Saturday Night Live sketch from 13 years ago, in which Alec Baldwin, Mr. Schweddy, offers spherical snacks to two public radio hosts. Again, 13 years ago, which means Mr. Ben and Mr. Jerry are having flashbacks, and we should all expect to see Wayne and Garths Licorice kNOTs-flavored ice cream very soon.
While the ingredients in Ben and Jerrys new flavor might sound delicious Fair Trade vanilla ice cream (fair trading is important here) with a hint of rum and fudge-covered malt balls it makes me wonder whats next for society. If we allow something so puerile and impolite to become part of what we consider normal, in-public and around-strangers humor, then whats left to find funny?
I guess what Im saying is, visitors or no visitors, I never want to live in the kind of nursing home that serves me ice cream like this without having the decency to do so with a whisper and a wink.
Please, someone visit me ...
Liz Farrell is the editor of Lowcountry Current. Follow her at twitter.com/elizfarrell.