Spice up your life with the Congressional Kama Sutra

lfarrell@islandpacket.comJune 9, 2011 

Male politicians will be male politicans, right? Lord. I don’t know about you guys, but I think I might just be bored by this whole Rep. Anthony Weiner scandal. I think I might have actually reached my limit on tolerance and the ability to be shocked.

At this point, yet another story about yet another politician apologizing for yet another highly preventable imbroglio is like Lady Gaga to me. First she’s wearing a dress made of steak. Then she’s arriving in an egg. Soon she’ll be wearing little people as shoes and carrying a gutted marlin as a purse.

Big deal. We get it. You’re the “weird” one who was born that way. Spare us.

So it is with politicians and their sex scandals. It’s a veritable who’s who of who wants to play the strangest game of doctor ever. It’s all page boys, wide stances and secret maid babies in the Halls of Leadership, and Weiner’s just the latest and least creative of the bunch.

Oh I know, how liberal media of me. “Siding” with a Democrat. “Downplaying” his lap shots. First off, I’m not — so calm down. I think he should resign or at the very least change his name to Congressman Twitterslob, just so we’re all clear on his actual agenda. And second, let me remind you: One man’s diapers-with-prostitutes fetish is another man’s Twitpic of his creepily smooth and dented bare chest (seriously, Congressman Weiner, what is wrong with your sternum? It looks like two beakless, featherless factory chickens just got news about what’s going to happen next, “I think this might be it for us, Henrietta.” “Squawk?!?”).

If there has been one true thread in the history of male political leadership, it is this little omnipartisan gem: They will show you theirs.

They will show you theirs. They will pay you to show you theirs. They will show you theirs when you don’t want to see theirs. And they will lie to the ends of the Earth about having shown you theirs.

It truly stuns me that there was a time when women could not vote — though I guess it shouldn’t. Who wants to empower the voice of “put it away and please get to work"? Which brings me to Anthony Weiner’s wife, the intelligent and beautiful Huma Abedin, who is reportedly pregnant. Luckily for her, though, she is currently traveling with her boss, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the It Takes A Village high priestess of political scandal and the co-creator of the tight-lipped first lady scowl.

Oh, I can only imagine the frownfest that’s happening today. Because you know what? These women have more important things to do. Things that don’t involve puttering around on Twitter and seeing who’d like to partake in some of the ceremonial drinking of their own Kool-Aid with them. (Thank you, Jenny Sanford, for that worthy bit of insight to the male politico-ego ... They drink. Their own. Kool-Aid. It makes so much sense).

Anyway, what a bunch of dirty, predictable boys. Normally, I’d feel compelled to say something like, “Not all of them are like this,” but why hedge? From today on, it’ll just be tidier to assume they are all like that. The ones who aren’t can surprise us later with their respectability — and we’ll throw a good, old-fashioned American parade to honor them for not being the biggest dirtbags in history.

Speaking of history, do you know who might have had it the worst in political sex scandals? Thomas Jefferson’s unrecognized and underappreciated White House sketch artist.

“Er, are you sure, Mr. President? Are you absolutely sure?”

“Yes yes. Be mighty generous and don’t question me, Rufus. Oh, and do hurry. I want to deliver this, um, shall we say ‘secret personal drawing’ to Sally before she has to go back to work in the fields. It’s our anniversary.”

Liz Farrell is the editor of Lowcountry Current. Follow her at twitter.com/elizfarrell.

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