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I ultimately performed the ceremony. The bride called me the next day to inform me that they were separated which, in turn, led to them getting a divorce.
The problem was about poor communication and a basic lack of civility. Poor communication is not always about not enough communication. It can also be about an overexposure of communication between couples and more so in our society, especially in the square of public opinion.
If the problem is an increasing pattern of incivility, then what can we do to restore mutual respect in the world we live in? We must balance between freedom of speech and responsible speech, and to do so there are three critical rules for civil debate and constructive listening that we must observe. One, do not indulge the temptation to demonize the other. Two, before making judgments about another person's viewpoint or that person's character, make sure we have the facts. Three, perceptions or snap judgments about people without adequate thought and reflection do not equate with truth.
If religion is supposed to stand for any fundamental value, it is surely not to hate. Religion aims to teach us to take the moral high ground. Religion makes us ask hard questions and that means being open and honest with ourselves about how we conduct our lives.
To demonize someone is to create a destructive narrative around them that becomes their defining frame of reference. We all know this because we have been doing this since we were kids. Some of us might have felt the frustration of not being able to break free of rumors and accusations that have followed us around.
Inside the Torah from the pages of the book of Genesis we see how Joseph is demonized by his brothers who see him simply as a spoiled brat and a threat to their well-being. The jealousy, fear and envy of his brothers led to his being kidnapped and sold into slavery. Maybe less obvious is the case of Esau. I think he was demonized as the boorish brother of Jacob. The truth might be that he should have been portrayed as the brother who never got a fair deal. In the end, both biblical characters experienced the unmistakable feelings that the die had been cast against them.
The unfolding drama of the U.S. Department of Agriculture employee Shirley Sherrod, who was demonized and thrown under the bus for the alleged racist remarks she made at an NAACP meeting over a decade ago, is a timely example. She delivered a speech about helping white people keep their houses in rural Georgia. This speech was preserved on YouTube, delivered years ago, and was a reflection about how she, a black woman, had overcome her own prejudices.
The USDA, the White House and the NAACP summarily made a snap judgment that she was a racist based upon the online video provided to them by a political blogger and then called for her resignation. Well, we all know the result of that deliberative process. It turns out they all had egg on their face. They were wrong. What's worse, they succumbed to the temptation to demonize and made a judgment without knowing the facts.
We make judgments every day about people and events in our lives. The question is whether we have the facts. The community center and mosque near ground zero in New York City has become a tragic example of a kind of melee that can result when we jump to conclusions without the facts and demonize all sides based upon our cherished values.
It is possible to have conflicting opinions as to whether this structure should be built. There are many reasonable people who differ on this very point. But does anyone here really know the facts behind the legal and the political process that preceded the decision to approve the construction of this building? What also was disappointing is the reactive nature of all sides from those who incessantly rang the bell of freedom of religion to defend the Muslims to those who blindly intoned the chant of freedom of speech and assembly opposing the structure's location and the fear of Islam; to those who callously put on display the raw pain of families who lost their loved ones in the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks as a political tool; and finally, the Muslim community, which was not immune from capitalizing on the shock and the visceral reaction to this project and then questioning whether America will accept Muslims.
We need dialogue away from media mongers and demonizing political opportunists. People of good faith and the real stakeholders need to sit down and work out this problem in private and come out united to the public in order for this issue be resolved.
We are on a slippery slope when perceptions become reality and then slide into a misguided version of truth. If we have fallen victim to emotions and to our opinions without being fair-minded on issues or on people then are we any better than those we condemn? The lack of civility in our private lives and or in the public square is a forewarning of what could be a severe deterioration of public manners and conduct throughout the nation.
Rabbi Brad L. Bloom is the rabbi at Congregation Beth Yam on Hilton Head Island. He can be reached at 843-689-2178.
